Today I really got inside of Richards duplicitous head. (Alright, I know I set myself up; let the wisecracks roll.) I'd had a vague idea before that he was in conflict with himself - that was fairly obvious. But after careful reading and thought I realised that dear Bill Shakespeare had written the original Gollum, self-debate and all. There really are two conciousnesses wrestling inside his head, each vying for prominence. I was going to describe him as 'confused' but I realised that this was decidedly not the right concept. He's not confused at all in his own mind - it's as simple as "Richard loves Richard - that is I and I." Each time he speaks he makes perfect sense to himself, even though another part of him will disagree seconds later. It would be frustrating, I'd imagine, but not confusing.
I occasionally wonder what it's like for people with mental conditions that alter their perception of reality. Do they realise that others see things differently? Do they try to resist their condition? Do they have insights into reality that we'll never discover? A wee while back I watched a documentary about a man with a seven second memory. A rare disease destroyed vital areas of his brain in when he was in his thirties - he is now over seventy. He was a great composer before his tragedy; even now he can still play the piano, and often hears music in his head. He can recognise his wife and remembers her (but not their meetings) when she is gone, but these two things are almost all that is left to him outside of his seven second window of awareness. He's kept a diary since his illness. It's filled with entries like "This is first time I've been awake since being ill. Now am truly awake for the first time. Scratch that. No recollection of previous entries. I am really awake for the first time now." I couldn't help going to bed that night thoughtful and saddened. There's no way he could know all that he was missing, but desperate frustration is evident in his writing.
His case is extreme, yes, but I don't think he'd be unique in his despair at failing to interact effectively with life and people around him. To be crippled in the mind (yes, that's what it is, I don't care what the PCers call it) is perhaps the most terrible of the infirmities. Deformation of the body is sad enough - can we imagine what it's like to have a deformed mind?
2 comments:
No, obviously we don’t try and resist the condition, nor do we have any special insight. But I do realise other’s see things differently.
The life of someone with a 'deformed mind' can be unbelievably difficult.
For example, my uncle is a schizophrenic. I cannot imagine the turmoil that he has endured in his life. His vivid experiences range from being chased by Russian spies, to living as a member of the British royal family.
He has difficulty separating reality from the imaginary. And, since his memories are corrupt as well, he cannot trust those either.
That makes me really appreciate that what I see with my own eyes is reality.
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